The 3rd week of school has ended not very nicely.
Nothing seem to have turn out well for me. Nothing, really nothing.
Homework load is really getting heavier, and I think I can handle 8 subjects well.
However, Biology kills.
Now, I just have to rest for the rest of the Friday that is remaining,
without thinking of anything, not you, not any homework, not results, not capability.
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I'm in a totally very bad mood today, because of everything.
I hurt Jacelyn's precious hand for Netball tournament today, I didn't get to play today or forever. And I sound like someone which I don't like the way she sound.
I hate being critisied that I am so short, but I have no choice!
I don't want my life to be in this way, I didn't chose my height, I want to grow taller.
But what can I do? I'm born to detest vegetables!
I don't like the feeling of dragging others down the water.
I don't like being left out.
I don't like the feeling that I am an outsider.
I don't like the feeling that I KNOW that I am so extra.
But what can I do? NOTHING.
There is so many things I don't like, but my life still goes on.
I want to end it, but what happens after that?
Things still goes on, without me only.
Or maybe things might get better without my presence?
Everyone might be happier, no one will be hurt, you won't be disturbed, one less competitor.
The reality is cruel, I want to be more cruel.
I want back my cruelty during Primary Schools days.
I get Evil, I hit People, I slam tables, without caring about anything!
Now, I've to think of this and that.
Some say I grow more mature, some say i'm just pure timid.
I don't know, I really don't know.
Sometimes you reply my messages, sometimes you don't.
Sometimes you talk to me first, many times you don't.
I know I am not in the position to tell you to talk to me.
I know that I am not suppose to do that.
But how does temptation goes?
Many times I tell myself to stay optimistic, many other times I tell myself to think for others.
But in the end? Many take me for granted, many climb over my head, I start to think of negative stuffs.
Even more times I feel like crying, but what weakness can I tell people?
I have clothes and food to eat not like people in Africa, I have good parents and sisters that others envy.
But, not much understand how I feel, how I really feel.
In the end, tears flow inside to my heart.
I was trying to end my bad mood today by singing by hearts out, but I found out something else.
I look at my phone, at your number without caller ID.
I have deleted your contact long ago, and till now, I can still read out your number by heart.
I wanted to forget you, I wanted to lose my memories about you and everything that had happened. I want you look at you and you ARE a total stranger.
That's all I've wished for, lost of memories, even if I can't remember anyone in the world.
I can slowly remember again. But just not you.

After blogging so much feelings, goodbye.

Labels: Sealed up my tears.